If grace is an ocean we're all sinking

I made a goal over the summer: write down 5 things every day that I'm thankful for. Sounds like a kindergarten exercise, I know, but it kind of keeps things in perspective.

Some things from my lists so far:
-good conversations with my mom
-porch swings on summer nights
-meeting new people
-action movies
-good shows like Friday Night Lights
-aloe vera after bad sunburns
-the ranch
-trying to learn to cook
-still having five toes (that was after dropping a knife on the floor on one of those nights I was learning how to cook)
-Austin, TX
-the feeling after a really hard work out
-being silly
-reading
-little kids

These are just a few....but the ones that have made the lists multiple times are: 1. friends 2. God's grace

I have been thinking a lot about God's grace this summer. And I have decided that it is the most unconventional, crazy, counter-cultural, idea....and it is incredibly hard to receive it in the way that God truly wants us to receive it.

I am realizing that I have a hard time receiving things for free. We are told that "nothing is free in life" and it isn't--this is true. I think we even view relationships this way. You give something to get something. It is a two-way street. Growing up, even when you were "given" your allowance, you behaved in some way in order to earn it. You earn your reputation. You earn your job, your status, money for a new car...I think we mentally put a price tag on everything.

And then there's God over here offering His FREE grace, and I don't know how to take it. I don't know if yall can relate. I will receive it after I put myself down in my head enough to think that I've "felt guilty" enough to deserve His grace. I will receive it after I promise God not to mess up like that again, or (embarassingly) even that I will do ___ to make up for it. I will receive it when I feel like I'm far away enough from my sin to talk about it in the past tense.

But that is not the way God intended it. I cannot earn it, can't make up for it, can't wait for it...

God wants to give us His grace now.

Rest in that today.

Rest in His grace, sink into it. Enjoy it. Receive His love as a free gift, just as He intended.

Freedom

I've been thinking a lot about the freedom that God gives us, and what that looks like. I think Freedom in Christ is different than what we often consider it to be.

"Freedom, like authenticity, is what we are promised when our desires and longings completely coincide with God's designs and plans for us as fully human beings. God's service, says the ancient prayer, is "perfect freedom". And, as with authenticity, freedom grasped too soon becomes an over-realized eschatology, a failure to realize how much work virtue still has to do to bring it to the goal. But the point of virtue is to work at anticipating the future in the present, and glimpsing and grasping the true freedom we are offered in Jesus Christ is a vital element within that. Otherwise, the slogan of "Freedom"! becomes just an excuse for license, as Paul saw already in Galatians 5. To accept appropriate moral constraints is not to curtail true freedom, but to create the conditions for it to flourish....we should expect that God's glory will be reflected out into the world when Jesus's followers learn the habit of the mind, heart and life that imitate the generous love of Jesus and thus bring new order, beauty and freedom to the world." -Bishop N.T. Wright, After You Believe

What is freedom? I feel like it is hard to define, but we all know that we want it. One of the definitions I found called it the "condition of being free of restraints".

People will fight to the death for freedom. I think that shows us a lot of what it is about. I think that freedom is always something that must be fought for, or worked towards. My good friend Jimmy was telling me the other day that we are always going to be a slave to something or to someone. I think a lot of people would disagree with that. On surface level, I did. After doing a little thinking, though, I realized that it's true. Even when I am "doing what I want", I am a slave to my own selfish desires...desires that when not kept in check not only lead me towards not only a selfish life but get me into a lot of trouble too.

So I guess that settles that...we are going to be a slave to someone or something. Things as big as money, sex, and power or as "little" as the cute boy in my class, the next fun weekend, or the brownie I get to have after class. Not bad things, in themselves, but potentially consuming, potentially.....enslaving. Ugg.

Kind of depressing I guess.

Until I think about the promises that God give us. That when we are slaves to Him there is freedom. He gives us rules to follow so that our hearts will stay pointed towards Him. That's what the rules are for...not to restrain us but to keep us from the things that will in the end bind us to them.

I'd rather have a heart pointed towards God than one enslaved to anything I can see...So for now I will pray that He will teach me the "habit[s] of the mind, heart and life that imitate the generous love of Jesus and thus bring new order, beauty and freedom to the world." Thanks for the wisdom, Bishop Wright

Thoughts on freedom, anyone?

Thanks for the title Bebo

I got the name of this blog from what I refer to as my life "theme song". I think since I heard this song, I've felt like I could relate perfectly to the words. About seven years later it still hits home every time I listen to it.

Tip of My Heart: Bebo Norman
It's on the tip of my heart:The words to say
But I fall apart, and I walk away
There's an angry world pressed against my back
And at every turn, I keep looking back

And I know You promised me
Love through Eternity
So why can't I just hold on?

I want to live; I want to love
But I'm afraid my simple faith will never be enough
I want to laugh; I want to be set free
And let you hold all of my soul that's deep inside of me.

But I don't know where to start; it's on the tip of my heart.

So would you take my hand; cuz I'm sinking in.
To this life I've made, but don't understand
The clock moves so slowly, but time goes so fast
In this whirlwind world that will never last

This love you're giving me; It's not just make believe. Help me to just hold on.

You open the sky, and open my eyes
And all my fears are scattered away
So I walk in grace, because I've seen your face
You are all that matters to me.

So I'm gonna live, I'm gonna love
I'm not afraid because Your Grace will always be enough
I'm gonna laugh, I'm gonna be set free
And let You hold all of my soul that's deep inside of me
You have shown me where to start
It's on the tip of my heart.
---------------------

Sometimes I don't know how to say the things I want to say or to live the way I want to live, a life of laughter and trusting God with all of the thoughts, desires and emotions deep down in my soul; I am afraid that my simple faith will never be enough to live that way.

But the bottom line is, it's not supposed to be because Jesus is.

If the Son sets you free, you are free indeed. -John 8:36

Starting something...

Today I felt like I needed to start something. Although that feeling may be my conscience reminding me that I need to start my paper that is due tomorrow, that is at the moment is more interesting.

This year I learned a lot about starting things, especially starting changes in life. Everyone has things that they want to change about themselves, or to start doing, or to stop doing. I am the worst about saying that I will start ______ tomorrow. Like how I'm going to start my paper tomorrow (but really, there are no more possibilities to procrastinate, as I mentioned before that it is in fact due tomorrow.) Anyways, I think when we want to make changes we just have to start. Ask God to guide us and empower us, and start.

Today I am starting this blog. I love to write, and I am pretty good about journaling my prayers, but I have other thoughts...thoughts about things in life: simple things, complicated things, but mostly I have questions.

My purpose in this blog is not to detail my life, which I think most of the time is not particularly interesting, but more so to share, wonder and write. I hope that God gets way more glory through this than I do. And I hope that you, reader, if you ever do exist, will take what I have to say on the days I decide to add to this and question things in your life and maybe go write about them too. Or talk about them. Or at least think about them. But keep questioning. I think that's what God's been teaching me. Keep questioning, and go to Him for the answers.